Hello and welcome to the Sex Positively Blog Hop, the brainchild of fellow author, Grace Duncan. From November 9th through November 22nd, you’ll hear from some of your favorite romance authors sharing their positive views on sexuality, as opposed to the negative spin we get from most lawmakers, the media, and ‘concerned citizens.’ For the entire list of participants in the hop according to dates posting, check out this link here. There is a link at the bottom of the post for the websites themselves.
When thinking about how we are taught to perceive sex, it’s actually rather mindboggling. We sell cars, cereal, toothpaste, and more with sex, yet the person that actually enjoys engaging in sex is seen as a slut, a whore, a player, or worse. It’s not reserved for women to be shamed either, though that does seem to be more prevalent. And then we can add in non-hetronormative, vanilla sex, and all hell breaks loose. That is why many individuals who would like to express their sexuality through the use of tools cannot easily do so because of the stigma. Many opt to buy online on sites like Plug Lust for sex toys as they are afraid of buying from local adult shops.
Women that engage in sex are shamed (slut, whore, tramp, unfit, etc.), while those same people often revere men doing the same (stud, man, duuuude, horn dog—though the last one can be a compliment or an insult, depending). It’s hard to get away from the negativity around sex and the enjoyment thereof. We have been programed from birth that girls are pretty, boys are handsome. Girls are to be chaste until marriage, boys are to experiment and have experience before marriage. Girls are to only love boys, boys are to only want/love/lust for girls. Oh, and that anything but basic missionary style sex is perverse.
The Madison Institute Newsletter, Fall Issue, 1894:
At this point, dear reader, let me concede one shocking truth. Some young women actually anticipate the wedding night ordeal with curiosity and pleasure! Beware such an attitude! A selfish and sensual husband can easily take advantage of such a bride. One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: GIVE LITTLE, GIVE SELDOM, AND ABOVE ALL, GIVE GRUDGINGLY. Otherwise what could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust.
While the article I note here is from the 1800’s, that mindset is still often instilled in our children, in ourselves, in our perceptions of others as good or bad. It’s a frightening thing to me that something as natural as sex is often demonized. The effects can be horrible and long-lasting. Shame, fear, revulsion of your natural desires is never OK. It is never “right”, no matter what the conservative Right says, no matter what the preist/preacher says on Sunday, no matter what society says.
Sex is natural. Sex is normal. Sex is a positive activity that brings pleasure, joy, release, enhances intimacy and connection with the one(s) we love.
Can you imagine being told that enjoying sex is dirty and sinful? Well, that’s what many are told all the time. Add in if you happen to have a bit (or a hell of a lot) of Kink to your desires… It’s a recipe for self-loathing, depression, fear, and shame.
The Madison Institute Newsletter, Fall Issue, 1894:
Just as she should be ever alert to keep the quantity of sex as low as possible, the wise bride will pay equal attention to limiting the kind and degree of sexual contacts. Most men are by nature rather perverted, and if given half a chance, would engage in quite a variety of the most revolting practices. These practices include among others performing the normal act in abnormal positions; mouthing the female body; and offering their own vile bodies to be mouthed in turn.
Wow! What a thing to teach women about sex and about their husbands! The really sad thing is, I know people that were taught this, in this day and age. When I was 18, my mother sat me down and told me not to do “it”, that my husband would teach me…. Yep, that was my whole ‘birds and bees’ talk. I’d heard my whole life how this person was horrible because they were pregnant but not married. That person was nasty for being in a ‘sinful’ relationship (that got more complicated as it seemed damn near everyone was a perv to someone 🙁 . And let’s not forget, those pervs included gays—even in long-term, committed relationships—interracial couples—and no, I’m seriously not old enough for that to be a legit argument!—that the victims of rape “asked for it”—yeah, I still don’t get that one either—and more.
My long and rambling point is that whether you are gay or straight, kinky or vanilla, married, single, poly, etc., sex is a normal, healthy, safe (using condoms when appropriate), and fun experience that should be looked at as what it really is: NATURAL!
Without sex there would be no children. Without sex… well, I cannot and do not wish to even fathom the level of sexually repressed issues the world would face (and we already have a shit-ton of those issues thanks to the afore mentioned attitudes toward sex and intimacy of the flesh). Religion, your parents opinons, the thoughts of the guy down the street, should never be given any sway in something a natural as sex. We are all born as sexual creatures, we crave it, enjoy it, and we should never ever shame another for engaging in sex—well, unless a minor, someone else’s spouse/partner, or it’s forced!
Sex is… well…. George Michael says it well:
It’s chemical (let’s do it)
Habitual (can we do it?)
But most of all…
Sex is something we should do
Sex is something for me and you
Sex is natural – sex is good
Not everybody does it
But everybody should
Sex is natural – sex is fun…
Here’s the link to the rest of the blog hop! Do join in the fun!
My latest releases are “Temptations of Desire“, “Hope and Love Anthology“, and “Truth in Lace“. Both ToD and TiL are part of the Desires Entwined series from Dreamspinner Press. The Anthology is a donation (all income from the sale of both eBook and print) anthology that is a gift for the Milwaukee LGBT Community Center (here in Wisconsin, lol).
I hope you will take something away from this post about sex in a positive manner! Thanks for stopping by and I hope you take a few moments to check out the rest of the tour.