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Guest Author Wednesdays ♥ Tali Spencer

Hello everyone. Today I’m thrilled to have Romance Author Tali Spencer stop by. She’s got a great post on humor, unicorn horns used for self pleasuring, and her new novel… even a wonderful excerpt from Thick as Thieves! Don’t forget to leave her a little love below!

Tali Spencer fell in love with writing at an early age and never stopped. Thanks to a restless father, she grew up as a bit of a nomad and still loves to travel whenever she can. Her longest stint in one place was Milwaukee where she went to college and enjoyed a series of interesting careers including respiratory therapist, airport executive, and raising three surprisingly well-adjusted sons. She later married her true love and put down new roots in Philadelphia, where she lives in an ongoing Italian American family sitcom. At least she’s learned how make good pasta. When not writing, Tali reads everything from sweet goofy romances to Lebanese cookbooks, manages her fantasy football team—go Gekkos!—and takes long walks with her loving, if slightly neurotic, poodle.

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No Fun At All

As an oldest child of a truly eccentric family, I grew up being called “the serious one.” My sister was “the pretty one” so you know how that played out. I was kind of serious, and still am to a degree. I am easily one of the most gullible people on the planet simply because I do take people seriously. But if you go to my family and ask if I have a sense of humor, each and every one of them will say, “Heck no. She’s serious as a heart attack.”

Now I never fully bought into the notion that I somehow lacked a sense of humor. I knew I had one. Mine was just so cleverly concealed and impossible to detect that I might as well not even attempt to trot it out. I was so convinced I didn’t know how to tell a joke or get people to laugh that I pretty much stopped trying. Serious is easier anyway. I didn’t even attempt humor in fiction because I feared I might not be able to pull it off. It was bad enough my jokes fell flat; I didn’t want to risk that with my fiction. So I wrote safe, serious books that played to what I perceived as my strong suits: world-building and imagination.

When I began selling books it was wonderful and a great boost to my confidence. So was marrying a man who actually found me amusing. Funny, even. I also found some friends who laughed at my jokes. Maybe I could do funny! Maybe all I’d ever really lacked was a receptive audience.

A group of writers invited me to join their Wednesday Briefs. For my first story there, I decided to take a risk. I would write something funny! I completely threw away my inhibitions and put down 1000 words about Vorgell, a brawny barbarian who fucks himself in the ass with a unicorn horn and becomes so horny he can barely see straight when he’s thrown into a cell with a pretty male witch. Imagine my surprise when my blog readers loved it… and every week I put more of Vorgell’s adventures with Madd, his pretty male witch, more readers joined in. How could I not keep writing that story?

And that’s how Thick as Thieves was born. The novel delivers more than laughs, of course. I’m still a serious and rather dark writer at heart. But without a doubt—Thick as Thieves is the funniest book I’ve written. So far.

Thick as Thieves

After Vorgell the barbarian fucks himself with a unicorn horn, he ends up in a cell with Maddog, a pretty young thief. It’s lust at first sight for Vorgell—but honestly, he can’t help it. Unicorn horn is a potent aphrodisiac, and now he can’t stop thinking about sex. Luckily, Madd is one male witch who knows how to put Vorgell’s new magical body to good use when he tricks Vorgell into a kiss that helps them escape.

Vorgell may desire sex in general—and Madd in particular—but Madd has no intention of being screwed by a man twice his size. He has problems of his own, including an enchanted collar that causes him to desire his most hated enemy. He wants that collar off as soon as possible, but that requires stealing a basilisk egg from the castle they just escaped.

Drawn together by lust and magic, the two men join forces and soon find themselves up to their necks in witches, wizards, and trouble. Vorgell and Madd might just be perfect for each other, but first they have to survive long enough to find out.

Dreamspinner Press
All Romance


Madd frowned, his dark gaze traveling down Vorgell’s body and taking in his state of undress. “I guess we’ll have to find you some clothes.”

Vorgell liked that idea. “You could just hand me your cloak.”

“No!” Madd clutched the garment closed at the throat. “We’ll… find you something else.” He sighed. “You don’t get it, do you? We need to disappear. You consumed an entire unicorn horn, and—”

“And I’m horny all the time now. I know.” As if to confirm that point, Vorgell’s cock twitched and plumped at the sight of his companion. Even wrapped in shadows and with a water stain from the puddle on his ass, Madd was bewitching. Vorgell’s blood warmed just to look at him. “But I don’t see what that has to do with—”

“Are you really so gods-addled clueless? A mere sliver of unicorn horn makes a man horny for days. You consumed the entire horn! You filled your gargantuan body with so much fucking unicorn magic you’re now a walking, talking reservoir of enchantment! And you’re not a magician, are you? You’re like a toad sitting on gold coins! You can’t get rid of your pot of gold because you don’t know how to use it!”

Vorgell blinked at the little guy’s rage, struggling to see past the fact that Madd looked unbearably cute when he gestured and paced and sputtered. So cute Vorgell wanted to push him against the moldy wall and silence him with kisses while he pushed his cock against that delectable, lithe body. He fought to keep focus as his cock stiffened to full engorgement.

“I can do magic?”

Madd rolled his eyes. “No. You fucking are magic. Like a unicorn. Your blood, your bones, every living part of you, is filled with the shit.” He sighed. “Why the hell do you think I bit you in the tower, except to get at the magic? Or sucked your cock just now? Which, by the way,” he added, “I don’t plan on doing regularly.”

“But you’re good at it. And, well, I thought—” But then he realized he hadn’t been thinking for some days. It was time to start doing it. “So you are using me?”

Madd looked him in the eye. “Yes. And you’re fortunate in that. Because although I’m not a particularly good magician, I’m much more ethical than the baron or his like. Or any of the Wizards’ Guild. That lot would be bleeding you by now and amputating toes to suck on for a little extra spell power.”

Vorgell considered this. He distrusted magic users. He also knew a thing or two about unscrupulous men and could be one himself when the situation demanded. He hadn’t carried Madd away from their prison out of gratitude, but for purposes of ravishment. The latter still sounded like a good idea.