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Jul 05

BDSM and the disabled sub…

Bondage & Discipline, Domination & submission, Sadism & Masochism

BDSM encompasses so many things. It’s understandable why someone who has never participated in it might be confused about what it truthfully entails. We’d like to set that straight. For every person involved in what we call the Lifestyle, there’s a different way of doing things. However, no matter where you go, you’ll encounter a few basic tenets and the folks who are participating in our blog hop would like to show you how some of these things really work.

Welcome to the BDSM Blog Hop. Today I would like to talk about the disabled submissive. What happens when the person who is a sub, loves to serve, loves the flogger, cane, etc., can no longer kneel or feel their extremities? That’s the very subject I have been researching and writing about lately.

As many of you know, I have mobility issues and use forearm crutches. Even that isn’t working for me all the time as my joints continue to fail, and so a wheelchair becomes more and more needed. However, what if it wasn’t the joints, but paralysis? What if you couldn’t feel your legs anymore? Couldn’t use them any longer? How would you deal with that as a sub?

I have researched ways around this issue both by chatting with subs, contacting a Dom, and doing a ton of reading and creative imagining. Even though I do still walk and fully feel, I cannot kneel, which drives me crazy. There are so many things that require knees, lol.

On the flip side of that, what do you do if the sub that’s caught your eye happens to have a disability? Do you pass him or her over simply because they aren’t able to do things the way you are accustomed to requiring of your boy/girl/pet/etc.?

In my current WIP, I am exploring this very topic. In Deacon’s case—my lovely Dom—he isn’t willing to give up on the shy, sexy man that catches his eye simply because he is in a chair. But, Kade—my sweet but stubborn sub—doesn’t believe any Dom will want him. Coming up with ways to take the leg issue out of the scene has been tons of fun to research!

What if, instead of strapping your boy into a standing X frame to flog or cane, you used silk rope and bound him in such a way that his lack of standing was a moot point? That works, right? However, there’s so much more to a loving D/s relationship than the delicious sex! In Deacon’s case, he found ways to allow his boy to serve, to feel safe and cherished, to fulfill both their wants and needs.

Beanbag chairs with backs, shibari, padded tables or benches, cock cages, and more are simple ways a Dom can help his or her sub be who they truly are, without allowing their disability to take that part of their life from them. What would you do if your sub lost their mobility or even their legs? How could you help them still be the loving, dedicated sub and lover they were before?

Giveaway

I’m offering up an ecopy of any of my backlist to a random commenter who answers the last question above…

Now, head on to the rest of the HOP!

About the author

TempeO

Tempeste O’Riley grew up in the deep south and escaped her conservative, oppressive roots as soon as she could. Tempe is an out and proud omnisexual/bi-woman whose best friend growing up had the courage to do what she couldn’t – defy the hate and come out. He has been her hero ever since.

Though new to writing M/M, she has done many things in her life but writing has always drawn her back – no matter what else life has thrown her way. She counts her friends, family, and Muse as her greatest blessings in life.

14 comments

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  1. Cornelia

    I don’t have an answer , just learning about BDSM.

  2. Helena Stone

    I have absolutely no idea but love that’s it’s being addressed. Having faced quite a few issues with the practicalities of my relationship due to illness in the past I do a happy dance every time a book deals with people who have to overcome issues of the body rather than the mind (although the two are often closely connected) in order to be with the one they love in a way that is meaningful and physically satisfying for both of them.

    I will have to keep an eye out for that WIP of yours. It sounds like something I will HAVE to read.

  3. JenCW

    I don’t have a very good answer, I’m sure there are better ones out there. But I do think it would really depend on the sub and their needs, finding a way around the physical difficulties with creative solutions and with encouragement to remind them that though things are different, the relationship is not changing. I think most people when they end up with physical issues, they become consumed with how that is going to affect their lives and relationships. I have to imagine that patience and constant support would be helpful, especially for a sub.

  4. Angie

    To answer this question, I think you need to be in the situation. I cannot imagine how I as an able bodied person would cope with the loss of my legs. But to add the addition of being a sub, who needs to be on their knees for their Master! It would just be totally devastating to who they are at the core of themselves. So no sorry I can’t answer your question.

  5. Trix

    Hmm…it’s hard to predict, because it’s such an individual situation. I remember reading an account from a quadriplegic sub, who was finally about to get physical with a Dom she’d been courting online for months. They spent a lot of time discussing things. He said he’d accept her holding back because of limits, but not holding back because of self-consciousness (which she’d admitted she’d been doing). It was eventually pretty fulfilling for them both (he especially enjoyed worshipping her feet–it was a rare thing for her, and he thought hers were particularly beautiful because they were so smooth and delicate). I wish I could remember where I read it. At any rate, communication is always a good way to start!

  6. Penumbra

    Mental and emotional adjustments would be the hardest over the physical. So first, in order to take away some of the excuses about ‘I can’t do that,’ the physical adjustments have to be made. That will mean changing the house around to make it handicap friendly. Then the tasks that a sub ‘thought’ they couldn’t do any more, wouldn’t be impossible. After that, tackle the emotional and mental issues and if possible find a kink friendly therapist that both of you can attend together.

  7. Lee Todd

    Just finished reading a story from Love’s Landscapes that covers this really well
    http://www.mmromancegroup.com/bound-by-amelia-bishop/

    1. TempeO

      Thanks for letting me know! I’ll have to take a gander and see what others do for their boys 🙂

  8. Ghostie

    I really don’t know a lot about BDSM, but a disabled sub would need to be given alternate methods to do similar things. I don’t know how they would kneel, but perhaps they could show submissiveness some other way besides kneeling, in a way that that particular Dom would find acceptable. I can’t think of that alternative right now (lol) but I bet someone really creative could do a good job with it. 🙂

  9. sherry1969

    I really don’t have a clue. I don’t know a lot about BDSM.
    sstrode at scrtc dot com

  10. asealy3

    Wow. What a great topic you have chosen to write about. I can wait to read this new book of yours.

  11. Sara Testarossa

    Great post! You make some excellent points and I look forward to reading your WIP when it’s out! I do have some ideas for if I were the Dom in the situation you posed. I guess it would depend on the exact nature of our relationship (as I’m sure you know, there are varied types of D/s relationships), but in whatever case, I would make sure to reassure my sub that I still loved them for who they are. I would make sure they knew, both by my words and actions, that they could still serve me in various ways, even if they had limited mobility. If their favorite ways of serving and submitting to me were no longer an option, I would do my best to come up with creative alternatives that both of us could enjoy. I would never “talk down” to them or treat them like an invalid because of their disability. I would find whatever ways possible to work around their disability in every aspect of our lives together. I know my descriptions are kind of vague, but I think I could adapt to this situation over time, if I were in it.

    Thanks for the giveway! I just bought Designs of Desire during the sale, and look forward to reading it soon!

    1. TempeO

      Thanks so much, Sara!
      Such a great answer, and you’re right. It very much depends on the sub, Dom, and what each want in the others. What form of serving the sub craves. I hope I did Kade justice when I created his Dom. 🙂
      Thanks for grabbing DoD! (And yeah, gotta love sales 🙂 ) It’s another story with a D/s relationship, though it’s a bit unconventional. Don’t forget to grad the free short that goes with Designs – Bound by Desire 🙂 (at DSP or ARe only)

      1. Sara Testarossa

        Thanks. I am guessing you did, but we’ll see!

        I already did get the free short, I saw it on the DSP site and nabbed it up. Hooray!

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